I am not that bad, am I?

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I had this really awful conversation with my mom the other day (over the phone, thank the gods!) and after we hung up I could not stop thinking about it. Basically the conversation was about where my parents are in their lives – they are fairly old, mom is around 73 and my dad is around 82.

Anyway, I told my mom that they should not count on anyone else but themselves to fix their problems. I live in another country (another continent, for that matter) and I am trying to fix my own life.

That got me thinking even more about my own future. Comparatively, at my age they were much better off than I am now…and look at them today? They are in such a bad shape! I am freaking scared for my own future.

Then I had a conversation with my partner, who is the best person I could have around any time of the day. He is a very intelligent guy, very funny and loves me a lot – yay! Jackpot, right?!

So, he was trying to figure out exactly what is going on on my mind, which I don’t really know. Anyway, I talked about my parents, especially my father who was never much of a role model to me, although I love him dearly. The whole Freud thing came up, with me blaming my mother for the problems I have now, yadda, yadda, yadda.

He told me that whatever happened, happened. It is past and I should move on. I am clear about the things that happened in my past, so let me work on these issues and move on. Good advice, huh? I think it is. But it is fucking difficult for me to change. It is physical! I get home and all I want to do is to watch tv and be a vegetable. It is soooo easy to be a vegetable. Even though I have thousands of plans and ideas and things I want to do when I get home…ha-ha! Just try to get me out of the couch? I will probably bite your ass!

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel – which I do hope is not an approaching train. We had a benefits fair this week at work. Basically there were a bunch of service providers whose main focus were to help us figure out what we need to do regarding dentistry, insurance, commuting to work, banking, etc.

I now have an appointment with a new dentist, with an eye doctor, with a nutritionist, and with a podiatrist! And I have my blood pressure checked – 126 by 86 (a little high, she told me. Probably because of the two cups of coffee I had before 10am). I am hoping the nutritionist will be the solution to all my problems – please tell me what to eat so I can have the necessary energy to complete all my tasks without groaning!! Please, please!

It took me over 3 years to start this blog!

…this delay is a perfect example why I called this blog “Diary of a Procrastinator.”

I am 40 years old. I live with my boyfriend (which I deeply love and appreciate). I don’t own a car. I still pay rent (for my credit, I live in New York City, which is probably one of the most expensive places on Earth). I have a 9 to 5 job I don’t much like – and my dream is to run my own business (at least I think this is my dream). I have no savings. I am never the first one to call my friends (they call me – thank the gods for friends!). I pay my monthly gym dues, but never go.

In short: I am a mess! Not a big one. But a mess nonetheless.

My goal here is to try to figure out why I am the way I am. To change the things I don’t like. To incorporate attitudes I like. To create a method to finish things I start. And to plainly just bitch whenever I want to. People may like what I write or not…although I do care what people think, this is not the place for me to be nice. I want to be able to say whatever comes to my mind without being judged by anyone. I hope you are kosher with that, because if you are not, too damn bad!

Hummm….this last couple of lines are a little off, don’t you think? I am not usually bitchy like this, but it is nice to have a place I can write anything I want.

So, forgive me for my short written Tourette attack. I am usually a nice person.